Quondam
by can
Summary: Up through La Bomba


He sat alone on the terrace, his legs drawn up to his chin. He watched the darkness beyond and occasionally caught a glimpse of the stars as Moya glided regally through space. The darkness was becoming oppressive just like his mood. His mind was flooded with the past and his most recent destruction. For now he needed solace. time to come to terms and the terrace has always afforded him peace.  
  
He was grateful Aeryn and his friends were safe but in the end it still didn't make him feel any better. At home he would be nothing less than a murderer. He looked down at his hands and flexed them, imagining the blood oozing from the cracks. How many lives? How many faces he had never seen.innocent, but victims nonetheless. All by his own hands. He had become adept at killing, always the one with the plan. His latest was a doozy, a nuclear bomb. 'My God, how low can I sink?' He sighed heavily, his forehead rocking back and forth against his knees before finally resting against them.  
  
It felt as if he was delving back into the darkness, back to the days when Scorpius controlled his mind. John knew it was eating him up but he didn't feel he could turn to anyone on Moya. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the root. John slowly rolled it between his fingers, contemplating. He closed his eyes as if saying a prayer to the Gods for strength. "Just this once," he whispered inhaling.  
  
His head exploded. faces, color and shapes abounded. Aeryn's brought a certain comfort to him. He leaned against the pulsating walls, his eyes closed, a heavy weight suddenly lifted from his shoulders. He wished he could reach out to Aeryn but it was his burden to carry. He had made his choices no matter what the reason and it was something he had to deal with himself. The others would never understand. After all, they had done only what was needed to survive.  
  
He felt himself drifting off, the drug making it easier to cope. John allowed himself to float back to his time on Earth with his family. He regretted his visit there. It had only brought more pain to them, awakened their feelings of loss once again, their goodbyes painful, but the visit was necessary to set time right. John felt a lump in his throat, their faces haunting him once again. It was just another thing he could add to the list but he knew it would have been a greater disaster if he hadn't gone back.  
  
There was only one good thing that had come from their visit. It helped bring him and Aeryn closer. He had let his guard down on many occasions when he was around her, the walls crumbling the longer they were together on Earth. He wanted her back in his life. How he ever thought he could live without her was a mystery to him. Maybe he had finally gotten used to the idea. Out of sight out of mind. He chuckled to himself, "Yeah, right!" Well she was his again and he wouldn't do anything to mess that up. He never wanted to find out what life would be like without her again.  
  
John wondered what his father would think of him now. He seemed proud of him when he welcomed him back home, but if he knew of his past and what he had just done, what would he think? He knew circumstances dictated action but murder was murder and their universe was nothing like Earth was used to. He could see the look on his dad's face, trying not to be judgmental. Eyes turned away, lips slightly pinched together and then the glance back. His father wouldn't have to say a word, his expression would be enough.  
  
He pushed that picture away and allowed himself to think of Aeryn, the only thing that brought him happiness. He had betrayed her by taking the herb, but he promised himself it was the last time. 'Sometimes you do things you really don't want too', he thought to himself.  
  
John started laughing on that thought, his father's face reappearing. "Boy, do I know about that. It seems like that's all I've done these last four years!" He inhaled again trying to get the image of his father out of his head. He didn't need that guilt too. But he was his worst enemy. No one had judged him, he had done that to himself and harshly. It was all him but he couldn't shut it off.  
  
The relief he had felt from the herb didn't seem to be working anymore, at every turn a new guilt rising to the surface. It was if things were more pronounced since his short lived escape from reality, the memories coming fast and hard. He could see the destruction of the Scarran vessel again, wincing with every flame that flashed through his mind.  
  
John grabbed his head with both hands, rocking it hard against the bulkhead. "Oh God! Please make it stop! I didn't know what else to do!" His voice had changed to pleading to the divine being he grew up praying to, the tears washing down his face. He felt like a little boy again wishing his mother would take him in her arms like she did when he was young. He felt only his own as he wrapped them around himself as if to ward off the nightmares.  
  
He looked up only managing a few words. "Forgive. me," he whispered through choked sobs. He hadn't prayed in a long time but it seemed fitting now. He needed it, he needed to be cleansed, he needed to remember what he believed in, he needed to remember what life had been. He needed to move forward. He needed Aeryn.  
  
John reached up to wipe his face when he heard the intruder enter his haven. He glanced over at the entrance surprised to see Noranti. Of all the crew she was the last one he expected or wanted to see. He didn't know if he could handle her double talk right now.  
  
John glanced at her quickly before turning away. He knew his eyes were telling and the less she knew the better. Knowing her she probably had a new drug for him. The temptation he certainly didn't need. He dropped his legs to the deck, extending them in front of him and lowered his hands to his side.  
  
Noranti studied the face of the man on the metal floor in front of her before speaking. She knew he had been crying, the tears still streaking his face along with the telltale sign of pain written all over his face. That was one thing the human could never hide from her. She was still amazed at how transparent he was to her.  
  
Noranti moved along side John. "Have you finished sulking yet?" She asked, her third eye bulging. "It is very unbecoming."  
  
John sighed, glancing at her. "What do you want, granny?" He asked, feeling slightly irritated by the intrusion. "Just spit it out and go."  
  
"D'Argo and Aeryn are worried. They have been looking for you." Noranti wanted to find John first. She knew the guilt he had placed on himself and diverted the two to a different part of Moya in their search. She didn't want to speak around Aeryn and D'Argo. There was much to say with so little time. She needed for him to see. There was much for him to do and he didn't even realize it. Of course it was nothing she could speak of directly.  
  
"Just get to the point, I'm tired," he replied, looking down at his feet. He only wanted to be left alone so he could sort through the mess. It was bad enough the old woman found him. He knew it was only be a matter of time before D'Argo and Aeryn tracked him down. So much for privacy.  
  
"You don't have time for this anymore, Crichton. It is time to get on with the important things," Noranti announced tersely.  
  
John raised his eyes to the old woman unnerved by her statement. "Wanna run that by me again?" He was puzzled only seeing her in this mood once or twice before. If nothing else she had his attention now.  
  
Her voice grew excited as she lowered herself beside him. John slid a few inches away wanting to keep his distance. She still gave him a weird feeling at times.  
  
"Listen to what I say, John Crichton. You are a very unique species and because of that there are things only you can do." A triumphant smile appeared on her face as if he understood exactly what she meant.  
  
"Unique," John whispered under his breath knowing that is exactly what caused his problems. "I don't want to be.unique. It's a pain in the ass and everybody just wants to dissect my brain!"  
  
Noranti shook her head realizing he didn't understand. "No, listen to me. When we were on Earth I studied your species thoroughly. You have many traits that do not exist in any other form in our universe or yours. This is why your inferior species has survived. You must realize what you possess." The old woman hoped she was getting through to him, knowing one of his traits was stubbornness, choosing to be at the most unlikely times.  
  
"Shit," John replied with a heavy sigh, getting to his feet. He stared at Noranti, "No more riddles. I'm done trying to figure you out."  
  
John started to move past her, but she grabbed him by the arm, halting his step. Determined Noranti stared intently at him and said, "Hear me out. The John Crichton I knew would do nothing less."  
  
John dropped his head as he pulled his arm out of her grasp. "He flew the coop along time ago. Only left a body behind." That's exactly how he felt, empty, the life sucked out of him.  
  
He remembered the time on Scorpius' carrier when he said, 'I can only handle one evil at a time. That's the best I can do.' Little did he know then his life was surrounded by nothing but evil, not knowing what lay in wait for him.  
  
The old woman knew she wouldn't be able to hold him much longer. Her next words would be harsh but it was for the best. "Well if you have given up why are you here? Why didn't you just stay and die on the Scarran vessel. It would have been easier on everyone especially Aeryn!"  
  
John spun around, his eyes burning with anger. "Don't say that!" He was shouting now. "Leave her out of it!" She was the only thing that gave him any kind of hope at all anymore.  
  
"Enough then! What is done is done!" Noranti raised her voice to make herself clear. "You cannot change a thing!" Lowering her voice she said in a softer tone. "You will learn to live with it. you have no choice."  
  
John calmed himself wishing he hadn't lost it. He faced the wall and leaned his arms against it, resting his head on them. "I.can't.forget. I.I killed those people." He ran one of his hands over his head as if to wipe away the memories, the tears threatening again.  
  
Noranti knew the effect this was having on him. She had learned much when she was on Earth. One thing she thought was remarkable about the species was they were survivors even when the odds were against them. They felt remorse even when they knew they had no choice. She knew this was what John was going through, yet it set them apart from any other culture she had ever studied. Their weaknesses were their strengths.  
  
The old woman gently laid her hand on his shoulder answering him. "You are not meant to. None of us are. We are meant to carry it with us.especially you, John Crichton. There are reasons for everything."  
  
John flicked away the few tears that settled on his cheeks, clearing his throat before speaking. "Granny.I'm tired. Tired of being me. Tired of not being me. Tired of running all the time. Tired of the guilt. Tired of letting my friends down.especially Aeryn."  
  
Noranti took his words in, waiting a few microts before speaking. "In the past there was a word you always used. Hope. Have you lost that? Have you forsaken your beliefs?" She asked gently, leaning her head against the wall hoping to catch his eye. "Are you to be just one of the many?"  
  
"What the frell are you talking about?" John asked, a puzzled expression on his face as he raised it from his arms. "I'm. I'm.oh who the hell knows anymore!" John pushed himself off the wall, frustrated by the whole conversation.  
  
"I am not here to hurt you, I never was. I helped you when you needed it but it wasn't what you thought. Aeryn misunderstood too, that's why she dislikes me so intensely. But results were achieved and for now it is over." Noranti turned her back on John now, satisfied enough was said.  
  
"You're talking in riddles again, granny! What results?" John asked, demanding an answer from the old woman.  
  
Noranti smiled slightly, her third eye closing. "Let me just say you were never harmed no matter what anyone thinks. The laka was not the drive behind what you did. It only helped you achieve what you had to do. Did you not ever wonder why Aeryn was so vivid in your mind when the laka was supposed to make you forget?" Noranti moved towards the exit standing in front of John. "Because it was never meant to do that. It was to help you realize what you really wanted and break down your barriers. It worked. You are with Aeryn again.she is your strength. Because of that you were able to destroy the Scarrans."  
  
John stood there at a loss for words. He never expected this from the old lady, but she was right, Aeryn was always there even when he didn't want to think. His decision on the Scarrans was made without hesitation. 'No,' he thought shaking his head, 'I'm not buying this.'  
  
"The laka was a drug. You gave it to me to forget. That's what you told me," John said emphatically trying to remain logical.  
  
"I will admit I did mislead you slightly. You were confused. All it did was help you find yourself. Since being thrown into this universe you have been unsure, not knowing where you fit in and what was right and wrong." Noranti paused to give him time to take in her words, surprised he had nothing to say. "All I did was help you sort that out so you could do what was needed to survive. You and all the rest of us. But you were the instrument. The one who could make a difference. Your being here and our meeting was not an accident."  
  
Noranti turned to walk out of the terrace dismissing John. She knew she had said more than she meant to. He would have to figure out the rest of it himself. She only hoped it was enough to help him realize he was only now finding his true self, but still holding to his beliefs. It was just a little different here.  
  
John was stunned. Those were the last words he expected to hear from the old woman. He didn't know what to say or where to start, her words still tumbling through his mind in disarray. "Y.you.set me.up?" His throat was dry, his words strangled.  
  
"Of course not John, whatever made you think something like that? I was only here to help you. Once you truly understand you will find peace." Granny was satisfied with her work, ready to return to the galley to prepare the late meal. They would eat well tonight. She palmed the door open, but paused before stepping into the corridor. "Stop doubting yourself. You would do it all again if you had to."  
  
Before John could respond she was out the door, the entrance sliding shut. He dropped his head, more confused than before. He had always felt she was focused on him but then again he also thought he was paranoid. He had spent too much time wondering what was real and what was imaginary. His time alone on Elack had started the process. Now he found out he wasn't wrong. She had been watching him and for a reason. Granny had said once he understood he would find peace. He hoped it was soon because he felt he was losing his grip on reality. She only told him enough to make him wonder, not enough to settle his mind.  
  
Two thoughts kept going through his mind. 'See John'. 'Aeryn is your strength.' He so much wanted to believe that. He wanted her so desperately and for now he had her. 'But what about tomorrow?' His mind was screaming now, panic welling up. 'What if she changed her mind? What if he completely lost his? Would she still want him?' He couldn't bear the thought of life without Aeryn. Granny was right.she was his strength. Aeryn hadn't turned her back on him after the terrible things he had done, she was still by his side. He was doing the judging, not her. She was just trying to understand.  
  
Whatever he was meant to do he wanted no part of. He only wanted peace and to live the rest of his life with Aeryn. What the bigger picture was he didn't want to know but he was sure granny knew. For once he was glad she kept it to herself. He had enough to think about without any added worries from her.  
  
John dropped his head as a weary sigh escaped from his lips. "Why the frell can't anything be easy?" He ran his hands up and down the side of his face roughly, finding it comforting. He needed to feel again. He needed to give a damn and break the spell that held onto to him tightly now.  
  
John turned to the vast space that glared through the view screen, walking closer to it. The blackness calmed him somewhat as he tried to pick out the stars that lurked here and there. He recited the names to himself and finally stopped, still gazing, his features softening. John felt a lump in his throat as he tried to say the name of this final star out loud. A slight smile touched his lips as he whispered, ". Aeryn.my strength and my guide." He lowered himself to the deck and sat crossed legged, content now to gaze and dream.  
  
John heard the door slide open. D'Argo and Aeryn spoke in hushed tones. Their voices didn't reach his ears and for the time being he didn't care. He was satisfied for the moment.  
  
He heard the footsteps crossing the deck, realizing there was only one set, hope filling him. He felt the caress of his shoulder as he reached up and firmly took her hand in his. John turned his head; his eyes closed and brushed his cheek across the hand. He felt her lower herself beside him and wrap her arms around him. His whole body relaxed in relief as he laid his head on her shoulder. For now he felt protected, the demons that haunted him fading away. They sat in silence and stared at the stars, both content.  
  
xxxxx  
  
The rocking irritated John. From the feel of it he must be in a bad storm, the motion intensifying. John could hear a voice, but couldn't understand what it was saying. He knew he had to wake up and acknowledge it, but all he wanted to do was sleep. The voice wouldn't stop, demanding his attention. It was becoming a struggle to ignore anymore as John resigned himself to the inevitable.  
  
Aeryn had tried to wake him gently at first, but she couldn't get any reaction. Her voice grew to a shout now, repeating her former words. "John! Wake up!" There was no doubt she was frightened. He had been unusually quiet the last few solar days. That and his lack of response had given her cause for concern. "Please John!"  
  
He found himself giving in to the voice, the rocking motion becoming gentle. The voice was one of panic, but one he trusted. John squinted as he opened his eyes, the light blinding him. "What the frell?" He quickly raised his arm to shield his eyes, needing to adjust to the room slowly.  
  
Aeryn gave him a microt to get his thoughts together before speaking. "Are you all right? You frightened us when you didn't answer." She failed to mention she was the only one who was really worried. The others felt he would wake in time.  
  
John didn't reply, confusion taking over. He felt awake, but then again he knew he didn't imagine his encounter with Noranti. 'It was too vivid to be a dream', he told himself wondering if he was finally losing it all together. 'No wait.something must have happened on the terrace and they dragged me back to my bed.' He felt more at ease with this scenario.  
  
The silence was deafening to Aeryn, the unease returning. "John?" Her lips quivered slightly as she spoke his name, clenching her hands over and over.  
  
He turned his head to her, his eyes focusing on her face. "What happened? How did I get here?" John asked, rising from the bed. He swung his feet over the side as Aeryn held out her hand to his chest to stop him from standing.  
  
"Just sit a microt John." Aeryn was puzzled by his strange questions but attributed them to sleep. He had been out for over a solar day.  
  
John did as she asked, but pursued the answers to his questions. He looked up at her and stared intently into her beautiful eyes as he lost himself in their warmth momentarily. John shook his head, snapping out of his trance. "I don't remember how I got here. You wanna help me with that?" He saw a strange look come over Aeryn's face. "What?"  
  
"John.you never left here. You've been asleep for over a solar day," Aeryn answered truthfully.  
  
John bit at his lip as he stared at her speechless. He dropped his head and stared down at his feet searching for words. "No.no, it can't be true," he replied as he shook his head in denial. His head snapped up at her, his voice rising. "You were there with me!"  
  
"Where John?" She asked gently. Aeryn turned to sit beside him as she put her arm around his shoulder. "Tell me where we were." She massaged his shoulders hoping to ease the tension she felt in them.  
  
John shrugged her hands from him and jumped to his feet looking directly at her. "We were together on the terrace, Aeryn! You and me!" He shouted, his finger pointing to her then to himself.  
  
Aeryn sat patiently hearing the frustration in John's voice. She decided to let him continue instead of interrupting and provoking him further.  
  
John on the other hand expected her to say something. Her silence and questioning eyes irritated him more than anything else she could have done. "Talk to me dammit!"  
  
Aeryn sighed, knowing he wouldn't like anything she had to say. He couldn't seem to accept the truth and she was not willing to add to his delusions. "I already told you, John. Accept it or not, that is your choice." Aeryn's voice was crisp but not harsh. She stood up beside the bed and stepped toward the exit.  
  
John saw her movement and suddenly wished he hadn't raised his voice. He didn't want to be left alone. He was afraid of what thoughts would pop back into his head. "Don't go, Aeryn! Sorry.didn't mean to snap at you," he said grasping her arm to stop her from leaving. He dropped it quickly when she shot her eyes at him. He continued as he placed his fingers on his aching eyes. "I haven't been myself lately."  
  
"So you've noticed," Aeryn replied, halting her step. "I thought I was the only one." Her voice was gentle, but filled with hurt. They had come a long way and she didn't want to see it destroyed by his stubbornness to face the truth. She would not argue with him. She would walk away first and wait until he was ready. Aeryn could see how fragile he had become.  
  
She wanted to reach out for him and reassure him, but she knew that's not what he needed. He needed to mend himself, deal with things in his own way. It was something he told her humans needed to do sometimes. She would honor that, but each day he hurt so did she. She tried again, "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
John started to reply then stopped and only sighed. He shook his head and replied still thoughtful, "I must have been dreaming.but it seemed so real. She told me things.things that made sense, things that." John stopped realizing he was rambling. He took a deep breath brushing his hair back with his hand. "Never mind, Aeryn."  
  
Aeryn felt relieved when he stopped. It was starting to scare her again. She worried he could be losing it for the final time. She thought it best to occupy him with something else. "Are you hungry?" She asked inching her way closer to him. Aeryn could smell his scent and basked in it for a microt, the tension leaving her as her mood was enhanced.  
  
John noticed she had come closer. His heart told him to embrace her but his head sent up a warning flag. 'What the hell,' he thought, 'if she cold cocks me it won't be the first time.' John reached his hand out and gently slid it up the side of her face. He saw her eyes close as she leaned into him. John took her in his arms and held her tightly as if he might lose her again. She laid her head into his shoulder as he ran his hand through her hair. "Damn, Aeryn.I could live forever like this. just you and me."  
  
His voice was gentle, barely above a whisper, but she heard each and every word, her heart bursting with each one. It was all she was waiting for. "I love you John Crichton," she said as she met his lips with hers.  
  
They slowly moved towards the bed, neither daring to part. They fell on the bed as their kissing took on a feverish fury. All they wanted was to be in each others world. It was the only time they were whole anymore, their love grown strong again. There was no one else in their world as they flourished with each other, their lovemaking taking on a stronger meaning as Moya dimmed the lights in their quarters.  
  
"They are one again, Moya. He will be fine now," Pilot said, content that all was finally well on the leviathan.  
  
xxxxx  
  
The others had left leaving their thanks for a hardy meal. Granny was finishing the last of the cleanup. She reached for the last few dishes but stopped and drew back. She straightened up and smiled, her third eye closing. "Finally, John. You have finally made peace with yourself. You will be stronger now for what is to come." 


End file.
